What Does It Mean When a Guy Wants to Wait?

what does it mean when a guy wants to wait

Look, most guys really enjoy sex. If you’ll let them, most guys will gladly have sex with you on the first date. They might think you’re easy, but they’re not going to complain about having sex.

But that isn’t all guys. And so when you meet the rare guy that doesn’t mind waiting, or even seems to be holding off on sex longer than you would prefer, it can be a little unsettling.

You may find yourself asking if something is wrong, or if he maybe isn’t that interested in you. You may start to question things. After all, this is hardly normal male behavior.

But there can be several completely normal (and even romantic or sweet!) reasons a guy wants to wait for sex.

So if you’ve been left wondering what does it mean when a guy wants to wait – check out some of the most common reasons below, as well as what that reason may mean for your future.

He’s a Bible-thumper

Let’s be honest: Even among fundamental Christians this is the exception rather than the rule, but some good Christian men actually do believe that sex should wait until marriage.

As far what this means for you? Well, that’s a little more complicated.

While you may think you want a husband who is all about “family values,” is that actually what you want? If you have any friends married to fundamental Christians, try and speak bluntly with them about what their marriage is like.

While many of them will say they are happy (and some of them may actually be happy, I suppose), those of them who are honest with you may be just as likely to tell you that the constant judging and subjugation can get pretty tiring.

Because let’s be real: When it comes to fundamentalist Christian relationships, the expectation is that you’ll be the good wife who does whatever her husband says, cooks all the meals, does all the chores, and pops out a bunch of good Christian babies. If that’s what you want from life, good for you.

If not, though? Buyer beware.

He might be gay

Okay, this one might not be as common as it once was, especially as cultural attitudes toward homosexuality slowly seem to be coming out of the dark ages.

But there are still plenty of parts of the country (and plenty of families) where being gay is seen as something shameful, wrong, or broken.

In such instances, can you blame a guy for trying not to be what his culture and family tell him he’s supposed to be? As a result, he may be all about the dating life because he thinks he has to be, but sex with a woman may just not be something he’s all that excited about.

That, of course, isn’t a mark against you. And if he really is gay, or more gay than straight on the spectrum, trying to force sex (as if you can turn him straight) isn’t exactly the kind of relationship you want, is it?

I mean, remember the key to a strong relationship is a truthful and honest relationship. How honest and truthful are you being with each other if he’s more interested in the same gender and you’re trying to force him into sex for an ego trip? Just…don’t. You’ll both regret it.

Old-fashioned gentleman

And then there’s the chance that he may just have old-fashioned ideas about what makes a gentleman.

This is less common, too, but there are still some men who think that a guy should wait for sex until he sees a long-term future with someone. That is, sex is the mark of a serious relationship, rather than something done purely for fun.

That isn’t to say these guys don’t enjoy sex, but simply that they don’t seek sex simply for enjoyment. If this is the reason he hasn’t tried to sleep with you yet, you need to decide how you feel about him.

Is he a casual fling in your mind, or do you see yourself potentially ending up with him? Because that’s the way he’s gauging whether or not he’s ready to sleep with you, and you need to be real honest and clear with your intentions in the relationship—both with yourself and with him—or someone could end up badly hurt.

He might be holding back to protect himself

Ask yourself this: Has he been burned badly before by a relationship? If so, that could be why he’s holding out.

When you start having sex with someone, it can change the emotional dynamic, and if he’s been burned before, especially if it was relatively recent, he may be holding back to protect himself in case you’re not as invested as he is.

This is especially true if he gets the feeling the two of you might be headed in different directions. For instance, is it a fling for you while you’re spending a summer interning? Then it might make sense that he’s holding back, especially if he knows you’re likely to leave at the end of the summer.

Some guys are sensitive, and holding back when it comes to sex may be one strategy they adopt to try and protect their heart and avoid unnecessary heartbreak.

If you think about it, it’s actually pretty sweet, in that they already care a great deal about you and are afraid that having sex with you will make it too hard for them to recover if and/or when you do leave.

He’s looking for something serious

This is similar to the previous point. For some men, sex is about an emotional connection, not just a physical one, and he may not want to spend that connection if you aren’t someone he can get serious with.

This is related to an old-fashioned idea of what makes a gentleman in some cases, but it can also be just as related to protecting himself from heartbreak or an idea of how he wants to spend his sexual capital.

It may just be that he values sex differently than some other men, and thinks it isn’t something he should share with anyone but a person he can see himself potentially spending the rest of his life with.

That isn’t necessarily saying he won’t sleep with you until the two of you are engaged, but it does mean he may be waiting until he sees signs that you’re just as head-over-heels about him as he is about you, and that you are in it for the long haul.

If this is the case, it might be worth asking him about his feelings, or why he’s waiting to have sex.

After all, clear communication and honesty is key if the two of you are going to make a lasting commitment to each other, and it’s never too early to start practicing that open and honest communication with each other.

He may be afraid sex is going to ruin the chemistry

For some men, a new relationship is about the chase, about getting to know each other over successive dates, and slowly building up a meaningful emotional connection.

For them, skipping ahead to sex before the emotional connection is as charged as they want it can actually dampen the quality of the sex when you do get there.

If you think about the best sex you’ve had, you might see better what I mean: The best sex isn’t just physical, but the result of an intense emotional connection between the two of you.

Some guys know this better than others, and as a result, may be more inclined to wait until the two of you have built an amazing emotional connection, because he knows how that can translate in the bedroom.

As a result, he may be afraid that having sex too early will make for not very good sex, before that emotional connection has really had a chance to develop, which can hurt the chances of your relationship really developing into something.

If you think about it, that may make sense relative to your experiences, too. After all, most of the bad sex some of us have had hasn’t just been bad because of physical things (though when someone lays there like a dead fish, that’s never good) but rather because the emotional connection was also off.

So he may be waiting for sex because he likes you, and he’s afraid that having sex with you too early makes it less likely the two of you will have a chance to develop a truly meaningful and lasting relationship.

He may think waiting will make the sex better

Related to that, some guys just don’t want mediocre or okay sex. They would rather hold out for amazing sex. And you don’t get amazing sex without an emotional connection and developed chemistry, which doesn’t happen unless you’ve put time into developing that connection.

So some guys would rather wait, to help ensure that the first time the two of you sleep together is better than just okay, but rather something truly memorable and special.

Skeletons in the closet

He may have a screwy past that affects his attitudes toward sex.

Look, there are plenty of us out there that are former Bible-thumpers or otherwise grew up with pretty messed up attitudes toward sex, and sometimes guys are still working through that trauma to develop a healthier relationship with sex when they meet you.

In that case, maybe they have a lot of guilt about sex, and so have a really hard time enjoying it, because they grew up believing it was wrong outside of marriage. Or maybe they grew up believing that women who enjoyed sex were somehow broken, evil, or sluts.

There are a lot of really, truly messed up attitudes about sex out there, and some guys really struggle to recover from growing up in those sorts of environments. If that’s the case with your current fella, that isn’t your fault, nor any reflection on you.

Instead, it just means he’s working through things, and it may take him some time to fully commit to you in sex.

Related to this, two other pieces of past trauma when it comes to sex can affect a guy’s decision to wait. First, maybe he’s had performance issues in the past. It happens, and sometimes it leaves scars, where a guy is afraid that he’s going to have performance issues with you because of that past.

Second, he may be scared of sex. Really, really, really bad sex can be traumatizing, or maybe he hasn’t had sex, and that’s why he’s afraid of it. Either reason, though, can affect his attitudes toward sex, and those can be coming out in his waiting to sleep with you.

He’s afraid you’ll think he’s a player

If he’s not that attractive (to be blunt) this is less likely, but some guys may wait a few more dates than they normally would if they’re afraid you’ll think they’re a player or way more sexually active than they are if they sleep with you sooner.

Let’s be real: We all get ideas of our partners’ past based on how they approach us sexually.

My wife and I were crazy about each other and couldn’t keep our hands off each other from the very get go, which, as it happens, led to each of us maybe each thinking the other had been a bit more sexually active and adventurous before meeting than was strictly accurate. (It isn’t as if we hadn’t had our share of fun before meeting each other…but, well, you get the idea.)

The truth is, if a guy is afraid you’ll think less of him for jumping into sex too early and he really likes you, he may risk waiting too long just so that you don’t get the wrong idea of him. It happens.

Guys won’t admit it very readily, but when it comes to a girl we really, really like, we’re pretty good at getting in our own heads about it, and sometimes that means things like holding off on sex just so you don’t think less of us.

He doesn’t want to commit

There are some guys, too, who feel like until they sleep with you, it can’t be that serious, and so if they don’t sleep with you, they’re less beholden to you in their actions when not with you.

Of course, when they do something stupid that hurts you, that doesn’t make it hurt any less, but there are some guys that use “But I haven’t even slept with her yet!” as a defense for their stupidity.

This, though, just tends to be a reflection on them and their immaturity, rather than a reflection on you.

He’s just not that into you

None of these reasons for avoiding sex or waiting to sleep with you are a reflection on you. In fact even the one instance left isn’t a reflection on you, but rather on how he feels about you – which tends to be more a reflection on what it is he wants than a reflection on who you are.

In every other case, though, if he’s waiting to have sex with you, that’s generally a reflection that he really likes you, and he wants to ensure the two of you have a possibility of a long future. As a result, he waits – because when it comes to sex, you’re more than worth waiting for.

Don’t get me wrong – one-night stands can be plenty of fun. But if a guy is waiting to sleep with you, it’s a pretty good sign he really digs you.

And don’t forget: You can always ask. If a guy hasn’t tried to sleep with you yet and you’ve been dating for a while, it doesn’t hurt to ask.

After all, if you want to build the type of emotional bond between the two of you that is essential for a lasting relationship, clear and honest communication has to be a key. It’s never too early to start practicing those clear communication skills, so don’t be afraid to ask.

Ex Came Back After Rebound: Should You Take Her Back?

ex came back after rebound

Your ex came back after rebound and you want to know: should you take her back?

That’s a loaded question, and we’re going to have to answer a few other questions to help you decide whether or not you should take your ex back after they have a rebound relationship.

Let’s look at each question individually to help you decide whether the second time around might work better than the first, or if maybe she just isn’t right for you.

Who broke up with who?

Did you break up with her, or did she break up with you? The power dynamic here can make a major difference. For instance, if you broke up with her, you probably had a good reason for doing so, right? Whereas if she broke up with you, you may or may not know her reasons for doing so, and those reasons can be quite important.

For instance, maybe she’s since realized over the course of her rebound relationship that her reasons for breaking up with you weren’t good enough, and that while the two of you may have things to work on, you’re good together. That would be a good reason to consider taking her back.

But on the flip side, maybe she broke up with you because she didn’t see a future with you, and she’s only coming back to you because her rebound wasn’t any better, and sometimes a known commodity is better than the unknown, even if that known commodity (your relationship) maybe wasn’t ever that great.

For the rest of this discussion, we’re going to assume that she broke up with you, because if you broke up with her, you know exactly why, and whether or not those reasons still apply to your past—and potential future—relationship.

Why did you break up in the first place? (And was there ever any cheating?)

So yes, the reasons you originally broke up are incredibly important here. More than anything else, those reasons—the real reasons, which are not always the same as the given reasons at the time of your breakup—are incredibly important.

Often times when people are in relationships and things start to get serious, they get scared. Sometimes that’s a reason people break up—even if it isn’t the reason they give.

Other times there are personal issues (depression, for instance, or anxiety) that she might not have been willing to share with you, and as a result, when things got hard, she may have felt the need to break up to protect you from those things, rather than trust that she could share them with you.

These are pretty common reasons for breaking up, and yet, they are rarely the reason given. As a result, any talk of getting back together needs to include plenty of hard honest conversations about why you broke up, what was wrong in the original relationship, and how you might address those issues in the future—together.

One final caveat here: If there was ever any cheating involved, you need to think very hard about why, and whether that trust can be regained.

Similarly, if the rebound happened shortly enough after your breakup, you need to consider whether or not she already had her rebound lined up when she was breaking up with you—which brings us to our next consideration:

How much time passed between your breakup and their rebound?

This is where math and some emotional calculus comes into play. For some people, jumping into a rebound a month after a breakup can be completely fine, and not at all reflective of their relationship prior to the breakup.

For others, jumping into a rebound even six months after the breakup can be a sign that they were already pulling away emotionally and looking for another relationship at the end of your relationship. So you have to trust your gut a little bit here.

For instance, was her rebound with a guy at work that she had been pretty chummy with while you were still together? That should set your spidey senses tingling.

Or had she been going out with her girlfriends pretty regularly after you split to help ease her heartbreak and just happened to fall into a rebound with someone she met while out?

The circumstances and timing matter, because they help determine whether or not the two of you will be able to fully trust each other again if you get back together. Which is really one of the biggest pieces when you consider if you should get back with an ex after a rebound: Is there hope for a future if you do?

Which brings me to my next question…

Have you moved past your original issues? And what are your goals in getting back together?

Look, if you can’t grow together from the experience, and learn from your first breakup, then there isn’t going to be any point in getting back together.

Without learning from the experience, you’re going to be doomed to repeat the same mistakes and hurt each other in the same ways, except only worse, because it will be compounded by the trauma of your first failed relationship.

So you have to be able to give each other a fresh start, move past your original issues, and truly trust each other. If the time apart doesn’t serve as a reminder to really practice your communication with each other, then there is no point in getting back together.

Similarly, you need to have some real talk when it comes to the future you see with each other. If you’re talking about going from exes to friends with benefits, that’s one thing (though still fraught with potential emotional peril), but going from exes to a couple again is hard, and you shouldn’t unless you have the same long-term potential future in mind.

Ask yourselves the big questions. Could you see yourself marrying her? Can she see herself marrying you? This doesn’t mean you have to get engaged—in fact, you probably shouldn’t until you’re both well on your way to having those original issues fully worked out—just that you need to be serious about your ideas for the future.

If you haven’t talked about whether or not you want kids in your future, this is a good time to at least broach that topic. Again, this isn’t where you pick kids’ names—but it is a reminder that if you want kids and she doesn’t, or vice-versa, you probably shouldn’t get back together, because heartbreak is the only future those kind of big picture issues bring.

So have the hard conversations. You have to be fully honest with each other if this is going to work.

Why did they end things with their rebound guy?

Lastly, you have to look at why they split with their rebound, as not fun as that may be. Did they split because that relationship wasn’t fun anymore, because their rebound saw one of their less than ideal sides, or because they realized they wanted what they had with you?

The reasons for leaving their rebound matter, because sometimes people leave a rebound as soon as it stops being fresh and fun, rather than because they know what they want and the rebound isn’t it.

So if your ex split with her rebound because she wasn’t having fun and was bored, that can be a sign that she’s coming back to you because she’s comfortable with you and knows what to expect with you. That isn’t necessarily a good sign.

If she split with her rebound, though, because she realized you were the long-term future she wants, that’s a whole different story. So figure out what happened, and why she’s really coming back to you wanting to get back together now.

There may be other questions you need to ask, too, and no matter what, you are going to have to both be willing to have hard conversations if your second go-round is going to work out better than the first. The questions above, though, are a great start to figuring out whether or not you should give it a go.

Good luck!