In everyday life, it can be difficult to spot the men who like big women. They’re not all winking at you or chatting you up every minute…as men do on plus size dating sites.

And don’t get me wrong – as a plus size woman, I love the attention. At least, most of it.

The thing is, not all attention is flattering. Some of it can be a downright turnoff. And that’s really a shame, considering all you have to do as a man is modify a few things to turn the attention you’re paying a lady into something she glows and basks in rather than blocks you for.

So, in the interest of helping out all you men who like big women – here’s a little list of things you should know!

Announcements not necessary

I’m a big woman. I know it, you know it, the world knows it. So if you’re messaging me, I already assume that you like big women – without you having to announce it.

This is something pretty much every big woman I’ve ever known agrees with: we don’t need you to spell out for us that you like big, beautiful women, especially in the first message. You’re on a BBW dating site, you’re messaging a woman who’s clearly big so it’s pretty redundant to mention it in your messages.

Leave weight out of it

Actually, let’s take this a step further and just leave weight out of it. Big women – like all women – like to know that you are interested in us for who we are as people, not for our size or any other specific feature that appeals to you.

If you look at the spectrum of women, this applies in every case. My Asian female friends admit to being really turned off when a guy messages them mentioning how they “love Asian women.” My black female friends say the same thing.

Well, guess what? Fat women feel the same. We know we’re fat and we already know you’re into our body type – that’s why you’re messaging us in the first place. But if that seems to be the only thing you care about, especially in the first few messages, it’s uncomfortable and a bit of a turnoff.

Just don’t do it – instead, ask her about herself, her interests, her background and leave weight out of it.

Copy and paste doesn’t cut it

Here’s a little secret some men on BBW dating sites don’t seem to know yet: a lot of us girls are friends with one another and yes, we do talk and share notes.

It may be less effort and time to send us all copy and paste messages but it’s pointless because we will know. So stop doing it, it doesn’t work.

The best messages that work?

The sort of messages that women always respond to – even if we’re not necessarily drawn to your profile at first – are the ones that speak to who we are as people.

So make that extra effort to actually read what’s written on our profile and bonus points if your first message references something from that profile. Even more brownie points if your message has nothing to do with weight or looks at all but instead refers to our interests and unique personalities.

And of course, keep it light and positive. If you can be funny on top of all that, you’ll be inundated with responses.

We’re not dirty little secrets

Some men seem to think it’s okay to hookup with fat women but that it’s not as acceptable to be seen with us in public. That’s just mean…and sad.

Sad for you because you haven’t yet embraced what you’re into and don’t have the confidence to tell the world what you like.

But don’t bring us into your sad little party because we are not looking to play the role of your secret side girl.

To the men who like big women: this post wasn’t intended to be harsh – it’s just the truth. And if you put what you found here into practice, you’ll have so much more luck with the big, beautiful women you’re attracted to. Now go forth and impress all of us with your newfound knowledge!