Ex Came Back After Rebound: Should You Take Her Back?

ex came back after rebound

Your ex came back after rebound and you want to know: should you take her back?

That’s a loaded question, and we’re going to have to answer a few other questions to help you decide whether or not you should take your ex back after they have a rebound relationship.

Let’s look at each question individually to help you decide whether the second time around might work better than the first, or if maybe she just isn’t right for you.

Who broke up with who?

Did you break up with her, or did she break up with you? The power dynamic here can make a major difference. For instance, if you broke up with her, you probably had a good reason for doing so, right? Whereas if she broke up with you, you may or may not know her reasons for doing so, and those reasons can be quite important.

For instance, maybe she’s since realized over the course of her rebound relationship that her reasons for breaking up with you weren’t good enough, and that while the two of you may have things to work on, you’re good together. That would be a good reason to consider taking her back.

But on the flip side, maybe she broke up with you because she didn’t see a future with you, and she’s only coming back to you because her rebound wasn’t any better, and sometimes a known commodity is better than the unknown, even if that known commodity (your relationship) maybe wasn’t ever that great.

For the rest of this discussion, we’re going to assume that she broke up with you, because if you broke up with her, you know exactly why, and whether or not those reasons still apply to your past—and potential future—relationship.

Why did you break up in the first place? (And was there ever any cheating?)

So yes, the reasons you originally broke up are incredibly important here. More than anything else, those reasons—the real reasons, which are not always the same as the given reasons at the time of your breakup—are incredibly important.

Often times when people are in relationships and things start to get serious, they get scared. Sometimes that’s a reason people break up—even if it isn’t the reason they give.

Other times there are personal issues (depression, for instance, or anxiety) that she might not have been willing to share with you, and as a result, when things got hard, she may have felt the need to break up to protect you from those things, rather than trust that she could share them with you.

These are pretty common reasons for breaking up, and yet, they are rarely the reason given. As a result, any talk of getting back together needs to include plenty of hard honest conversations about why you broke up, what was wrong in the original relationship, and how you might address those issues in the future—together.

One final caveat here: If there was ever any cheating involved, you need to think very hard about why, and whether that trust can be regained.

Similarly, if the rebound happened shortly enough after your breakup, you need to consider whether or not she already had her rebound lined up when she was breaking up with you—which brings us to our next consideration:

How much time passed between your breakup and their rebound?

This is where math and some emotional calculus comes into play. For some people, jumping into a rebound a month after a breakup can be completely fine, and not at all reflective of their relationship prior to the breakup.

For others, jumping into a rebound even six months after the breakup can be a sign that they were already pulling away emotionally and looking for another relationship at the end of your relationship. So you have to trust your gut a little bit here.

For instance, was her rebound with a guy at work that she had been pretty chummy with while you were still together? That should set your spidey senses tingling.

Or had she been going out with her girlfriends pretty regularly after you split to help ease her heartbreak and just happened to fall into a rebound with someone she met while out?

The circumstances and timing matter, because they help determine whether or not the two of you will be able to fully trust each other again if you get back together. Which is really one of the biggest pieces when you consider if you should get back with an ex after a rebound: Is there hope for a future if you do?

Which brings me to my next question…

Have you moved past your original issues? And what are your goals in getting back together?

Look, if you can’t grow together from the experience, and learn from your first breakup, then there isn’t going to be any point in getting back together.

Without learning from the experience, you’re going to be doomed to repeat the same mistakes and hurt each other in the same ways, except only worse, because it will be compounded by the trauma of your first failed relationship.

So you have to be able to give each other a fresh start, move past your original issues, and truly trust each other. If the time apart doesn’t serve as a reminder to really practice your communication with each other, then there is no point in getting back together.

Similarly, you need to have some real talk when it comes to the future you see with each other. If you’re talking about going from exes to friends with benefits, that’s one thing (though still fraught with potential emotional peril), but going from exes to a couple again is hard, and you shouldn’t unless you have the same long-term potential future in mind.

Ask yourselves the big questions. Could you see yourself marrying her? Can she see herself marrying you? This doesn’t mean you have to get engaged—in fact, you probably shouldn’t until you’re both well on your way to having those original issues fully worked out—just that you need to be serious about your ideas for the future.

If you haven’t talked about whether or not you want kids in your future, this is a good time to at least broach that topic. Again, this isn’t where you pick kids’ names—but it is a reminder that if you want kids and she doesn’t, or vice-versa, you probably shouldn’t get back together, because heartbreak is the only future those kind of big picture issues bring.

So have the hard conversations. You have to be fully honest with each other if this is going to work.

Why did they end things with their rebound guy?

Lastly, you have to look at why they split with their rebound, as not fun as that may be. Did they split because that relationship wasn’t fun anymore, because their rebound saw one of their less than ideal sides, or because they realized they wanted what they had with you?

The reasons for leaving their rebound matter, because sometimes people leave a rebound as soon as it stops being fresh and fun, rather than because they know what they want and the rebound isn’t it.

So if your ex split with her rebound because she wasn’t having fun and was bored, that can be a sign that she’s coming back to you because she’s comfortable with you and knows what to expect with you. That isn’t necessarily a good sign.

If she split with her rebound, though, because she realized you were the long-term future she wants, that’s a whole different story. So figure out what happened, and why she’s really coming back to you wanting to get back together now.

There may be other questions you need to ask, too, and no matter what, you are going to have to both be willing to have hard conversations if your second go-round is going to work out better than the first. The questions above, though, are a great start to figuring out whether or not you should give it a go.

Good luck!

8 Tell Tale Signs She Wants a Relationship With You

Signs She Wants a Relationship With You

There comes a time when you know you want more than a fling. It’s right about the time you start looking for signs she wants a relationship with you.

It goes something like this: You’ve been dating her for a while and you’ve gone totally ga-ga. You think she’s positively beautiful inside and out. You’d like to see her a few times a week. Hell, even your friends are telling you that you’d be crazy to stop seeing her.

And it’s true – you’re absolutely enamoured with this girl. The only problem? You have no idea as to where you two stand.

This is probably one of the most frustrating parts of dating. A lot of it revolves around the reality of trying to read the other person’s mind. When you’re doing this with even the loveliest woman, it’s natural to feel like you’re playing a game of mission impossible.

One minute it seems like she’s up, the next it seems like she’s down.

But you’re just looking for signs to answer this simple question in your mind: “Are we a thing?”

If you’re in this situation then not to worry – we’ve compiled a list of 8 easy-to-spot signs she wants a relationship with you. If you breeze through this list, nodding in agreement, you’ll have all the assurance you need to finally have that talk!

She introduces you to her friends

Do not take it lightly when a girl finally introduces you to her friends, because it’s a really big deal. Generally a girl won’t let her buddies meet a mister until she feels he’s worth keeping around.

Women never go out of their way to integrate a guy into their lives unless they truly think they’ve met boyfriend material.

She wants you to meet her family

This is huge! You can rest assured that she sees you as more than eye candy when she gets you to shake her mom or dad’s hand. This is definitely a sign of approval, and she wants her parents to take a liking to you, too.

That would mean you can all spend more time together in the future, and they will become trusting of your presence in her life.

She asks if you want to hang out on weekdays

Usually if a girl wants to keep it only casual, she’ll stick to seeing you on the weekends when she doesn’t have to take time out of her busy schedule.

You know you’re really in if she invites you to the baseball game on a Wednesday night or even to a restaurant on a Thursday for a delicious plate of sushi.

She doesn’t mind paying

Generally speaking, girls appreciate the gesture of you footing the bill for the first few dates because let’s face it – chivalry is hot. But when a girl’s really digging you she won’t hesitate to take her wallet out and pay the bill pronto.

Money should never be the centre of a relationship, but signs like this can signal the start of one.

She spends the night at your place

In the initial stages of dating the girl might come to your place but leave after a couple of hours to go home. When a girl truly loves your presence she’ll embrace entire nights with you.

You know she’s interested in a relationship when she’s become comfortable with you like this – maybe even with her makeup off. Take it as a compliment!

She holds your hand in public

It might seem like a little thing, but girls take holding hands really seriously. When she doesn’t mind holding your hand in public you know that she feels proud to be with you.

What she’s trying to really tell you is that you’re definitely boyfriend material.

She calls you

Forget texting – when a girl takes time to actually dial your number, you know she’s hooked. Girls only talk to a guy on the phone when they’ve become attached.

This shows that she loves making time for you, and it might be a great opportunity for you to bring up the subject of exclusivity.

She does cute things for you

Girls only go out of their way to make a kind gesture if they feel the other person is someone worth investing in. As an example, if you’ve developed a cold, she might bring you chicken soup to show you she cares.

She might bring a coffee to you at work or buy you the book you mentioned you wanted to get. If this happens, spring for it!

Why Rebound Relationships Fail Most of The Time (But They Don’t Have to)

why rebound relationships fail

Breakups are hard – no matter who makes the decision to break things off. Even if there were great reasons to break things off (abusive or toxic relationships, for instance), it can be hard to pick yourself back up.

When it’s a long-term relationship ending, it can be even harder.

And, rather than dealing with that pain, many of us choose to bury ourselves in another relationship: the rebound.

Whether you’re the one jumping into a rebound to avoid dealing with your pain or your new girlfriend or boyfriend is, it can be a problematic way to start a relationship.

In fact, more than 65% of rebound relationships fail within the first six months – often because whoever is rebounding isn’t actually psychologically prepared to be in a relationship again, having not yet dealt with the death of their previous one.

But that doesn’t mean all rebound relationships are doomed to fail. Let’s look at some of the main reasons rebound relationships fail – and what you can do to make sure you don’t fail in the same ways.

Lack of introspection & reflection

When a relationship has failed, it’s important that we take time to process the lessons we can take from that failure. Most often, though, when someone jumps right into a rebound, they haven’t taken that time, and as such, haven’t actually processed the breakup, or what went wrong, so they can avoid making those same mistakes in the future.

Without introspection and reflection, you may actually be doomed to make the same mistake in your current relationship, the rebound.

What you can do: Make time to process why the previous relationship didn’t work. Then, apply those lessons to the current relationship, so that you have a better chance of not being part of that 65% failure rate.

Vulnerability

Often part of the reason someone is in a rebound relationship is vulnerability, having just lost one of the people they were closest to from their life.

As a result, though, this means that people entering rebound relationships may not have their guard up against partners who might take advantage of them, or who are looking to manipulate them into getting what they want.

In the emotionally fragile place that comes after a breakup, rebounders may be willing to give in in circumstances where they would normally hold their ground – which can lead to later resentment and mistrust, damaging the relationship’s long-term future.

What you can do: Be aware of that extra vulnerability, whether you’re the one rebounding or your partner is, and protect emotions and trust. This can be more difficult than in normal relationships, as you have to balance both protecting yourself and opening up enough to develop trust, but it isn’t by any means impossible.

It’s ripe for abuse

Related to that vulnerability, rebounders are often ripe for abuse, whether emotional abuse or drug or alcohol abuse, frequently under the guise of “letting loose.”

With that comes poor decision-making, including unsafe sex, risky behaviors, and more if you and your partner aren’t careful.

What you can do: If you are the rebounder, you’ll need to be careful to avoid situations that are emotionally charged and may make it more likely you’ll make poor decisions.

If your partner is the rebounder, protect them from their tendency to let loose – they need you to be stable and protective as they work through their emotions, rather than an enabler that they may blame later.

It isn’t really you

As rebounders deal with their broken hearts, they may try to be someone they’re not – perhaps instead choosing to try and be someone they wish they were, or someone they think might have had more success in their previously failed relationship.

If they are acting in this way, though, it can only last for so long.

What you can do: Be there for who they really are – and stress that you accept and care for them as they really are, rather than who they’re trying to be. Help them realize they can be themselves with you, rather than projecting this idea of someone else.

They need therapy, not a relationship

Of course, part of rebounding is the inability to face what went wrong in the previous relationship, instead choosing to rush into another relationship.

If you note that your partner is still clearly not over their ex, or is using you as a therapist to process what happened, that may not bode well for your long-term future.

What you can do: Be there for them, but also suggest that they see someone who can help them process. After all, you want to be their partner, not their therapist. So support their need to process, but help them do so in a healthier way than using you as their therapist.

The truth is that for many people coming out of a bad breakup, a rebound is completely natural, and as long as you’re aware of the potential pitfalls, can be quite rewarding.

In fact, sociological studies have found that your odds of a successful relationship are no better, nor any lower, after a previous relationship.

In fact, in several studies, researchers have found that people dating new partners after a previous relationship feel better about themselves – both feeling more desirable and having fewer residual feelings toward their ex -than people who don’t begin dating again after the breakup.

People who date sooner after a breakup also show higher levels of well-being, self-esteem, and trust than those who wait. In other words, a rebound can be good for you!

So yes, rebounds often do fail. But they hardly have to, and if you can address any of the potential issues that can arise naturally in a rebound relationship, your new relationship has as good a shot at long-term success as any!

5 Things Every Man Can Do to Craft the Catchiest Dating Profile

dating profile for men

You’ve finally jumped aboard the online dating ship and are ready to start attracting some fantastic dates…welcome aboard!

The Internet gives you access to a wider area of partner possibilities – seriously, across the entire globe – and instantly increases your chances of finding someone you just click with than, say, your small town of 20,000 people.

At the same time, no dating site can help you find the right mate if you don’t give off the right signals. As in real life, first impressions are everything on the Internet. Especially with the plethora of other profiles competing for every user’s attention.

This makes your dating profile the single most determining factor of your online dating success. You want to be catchy, you want to be memorable, you want to be you.

Here’s how, in 5 simple steps.

Ditch the Resume for a Story

It’s who you are that matters, not what you do.

What grabs your attention more?

Example #1: After 9 years of working in corporate marketing, I’ve recently moved (with a promotion 🙂 ) to *enter city here* to manage the *enter region here* market.

I truly enjoy my job and am blessed to be where I am, but it does keep me extremely busy and I don’t have much time to date.

Still I keep myself busy by traveling, hiking, and volunteering on weekends and holidays. My life is full and wonderful and I am looking for a sincere, active, and funny woman to enjoy it with.

Example #2: Sometimes life aims a curve ball straight at your stomach when you’re least expecting it. I got hit last week. As I clambered up a new found hiking path, lost in reverie, I stumbled onto the domain of the biggest bear I’d ever seen…and I was seeing it way too close.

His (hers?) back was turned toward me and as she went on doing his (her?) thing, I busied myself with watching my entire life pass before my eyes. And even in my petrification, I could tell it was a good life – full of visions of hiking trails I’d meandered through, destination I’d ‘discovered,’ work that I’m excited to wake up for in the morning…but something was missing…a woman – the woman – to enjoy all the adventures of life with. Well, perhaps not this particular one.

I wish I could say I made a heroic escape full of acrobatic finesse, but the bear simply…moved on. But my epiphany hasn’t left me. So, here I am, looking for another fateful encounter.

Although, with someone perhaps, a bit less…furry.

Example #1 or #2…who would you message?

KISS

Keep It Simple, Stupid –  the beauty of this acronym is that it can be applied to oh so many aspects of life and online dating is no exception.

Yes, your life, hobbies, interests, experiences may be full – your cup runneth over – but no one needs to read the autobiography of your life.

If your current profile reads like a Wikipedia page of your life, boil it down to the bits and pieces that speak to your personality AND are interesting to read.

That means – eliminate the lists of the characteristics you’ve had, the accomplishments you’ve racked up, the laundry list of qualities you are looking for in a mate and instead focus on making the reader feel who you are in a few simple sentences.

The best advertisers know this: simplicity and feeling are key in attracting an audience. Paint a mental picture of what you’re passionate about or a instance in your life. Make him or her feel.

Don’t let the past dominate

Your background and history play a part in making you you, but there’s no need for it to make an appearance in your dating profile. You’re looking for someone who wants to date you as you are now, not then.

If you’re a single parent, mention it (once). If you’re recently divorced, work it into a sentence (once).

Take a moment to observe and appreciate your life and yourself now and then write from there.

Picture your ideal mate

Got the image in your head? All the characteristics? Good. Now keep it to yourself.

There is no reason in the world why anyone should go through the tediousness of describing every characteristic they want their ideal mate to have in a dating profile. It’s not a grocery list.

Instead, focus on what qualities your ideal mate would be attracted to. Is your ideal mate creative? Make your profile creative. Is he athletic? Make it a point to mention your own enthusiasm for an active lifestyle. Is she funny? Write a profile that’d make anyone laugh.

Pretend you are writing directly to the ideal mate you hold in your mind.

Make a list of your turn-offs

Got it? Good. And again, keep it to yourself.

Most people have a pretty clear idea of what doesn’t work for them, but there’s no reason to mention characteristics that you detest on your online dating profile.

It’s simply redundant: Nobody likes cheaters. People generally don’t care too much for liars either. Gold diggers? Also not popular.

But since you already have the list of your turn-offs and deal-breakers, make use of it. Every characteristic has an opposite, so concentrate on appealing to the exact opposite of the people who turn you off. Design your profile accordingly.

Now go out there are get yourself a date!

9 Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Woman

Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Woman

There’s a lot of info out there on emotionally unavailable men but their women counterparts can be just as heartbreaking, although there isn’t as much said about them. That’s ’cause we usually associate emotional unavailability with men, but women can be just as closed-off and inaccessible.

But first, what do we even mean by “emotionally unavailable?”

To begin with, emotionally unavailable women will have difficulty expressing their feelings, whether as a result of past trauma, or simply because of who they are. Some women are permanently emotionally unavailable, while others are only temporarily emotionally unavailable.

If it’s a temporary problem, there may still be hope for your relationship, but in either case, emotional distance in a relationship can and should be a deal-breaker, especially as it makes it impossible for your relationship to grow.

Besides, what’s the point in trying to have a relationship with someone who may never be capable of loving you as you love them?

For that reason, I can tell you from experience that you should avoid dating emotionally unavailable women if you’re looking for anything more than no-strings-attached sex.

To do that, though, you need to fully appreciate what an emotionally unavailable woman might look like – so let’s look more closely at 9 tell tale signs of an emotionally unavailable woman…

She cares least about getting to know you

Have you ever noticed that she doesn’t ask questions about you? That when you talk, it’s always about her? That she doesn’t want to meet your family or friends, or even more telling, doesn’t want you to meet her family or friends?

This can be a major warning sign of emotionally unavailable women, as they don’t want to connect with your community, nor do they want you to connect with theirs.

She keeps it casual

Similarly, if she’s hot-cold about sex and communication, it may be that she has something else on the side — or it could just be that she’s uncomfortable with intimacy and keeps it casual so that she can keep her emotional distance.

Especially if this has been going on for months, this is a sign of a woman who isn’t ready to get serious, and it’s not as if she’s about to get serious in the months ahead, either. She needs that emotional distance, and that’s why it seems like she’s always so hard to read.

She’s using you

Are you the rebound? You might be, and not even realize it. So pay attention to how she talks about her ex. If you find she’s talking about her ex pretty regularly, that’s not a good sign.

Look, we’ve all been there — often unintentionally. But if she’s using her relationship with you to process and recover from the heartbreak of her last relationship, she’s not emotionally present when she’s with you, and that’s a recipe for disaster, because it means the two of you can’t build that emotional connection and intimacy that’s so important to healthy, lasting relationships.

She’s available on her terms

If you start to notice that you’re always doing things on her terms, when she’s available, and that you’re always the one making a compromise or sacrifice to make things work, that isn’t a good sign.

You may notice that she always expect you to be available for her, but she’s only available for you when it works for her, or when she feels like it. That’s a sure sign that she needs to be in control, and that she isn’t willing to let you really into her life in the way healthy couples let each other in.

Watch this carefully, because a woman who isn’t also willing to compromise and work with you is an emotionally unavailable woman, and that isn’t a relationship with a long, healthy future by any means.

She always has to have your attention

When she needs something from you, she’ll give you her attention. When she doesn’t need anything, though, she’ll still expect your attention…without giving you any of her own.

This may be most noticeable when you want to do something with your guy friends, and she’ll find ways to try and keep you for herself, even though once she has you separated from your friends she may just ignore you.

These are signs of a woman who isn’t so much interested in a partnership as a plaything; she’ll never be available to you in the ways she expects you to be available to her, and that’s a recipe for disaster.

Commitment? Never!

For women who are emotionally unavailable, nothing is scarier than commitment. While you may note that they’ll occasionally act as if they want to move things forward, their actions following such statements will just as often make it clear that they’re trying to keep their distance and space.

And if you try to force the issue by trying to get some sort of commitment out of them, this will most often backfire badly on you.

The truth is, as someone who has difficulty accessing (much less knowing) their feelings, nothing can scare them more than your talk of commitment, or trying to build a long-term future.

They don’t know how to handle it, and more often than not, will try to sabotage or swing things back around to this idea of keeping it casual or just enjoying what you already have.

For women for whom emotionally unavailability is a temporary thing (such as as the result of some recent trauma), this might be something you can work through with time, but more often than not, this is a death sentence for any future you might have been dreaming of with this woman.

Are you “good enough” for her?

Don’t get me wrong, the right partner should make you strive to be more when you’re with them. That isn’t, however, the same as a woman who tries to push insecurities and anxieties on you.

For instance, have you ever noticed her boasting about how lucky you should consider yourself to be with her, or how many other guys have been with her, or would want to be with her?

Have you noticed how she subtly puts you down, to make you question whether or not you’re good enough for her?

That’s not a good sign. A healthy relationship requires you both pull each other up and support each other, and instead, she’s pushing you down. In doing so, she’s projecting her own emotional issues on you, and that’s not a recipe for success at all.

She may try to hurt you in the ways she’s been hurt

For many emotionally unavailable woman, part of their emotional unavailability may be the result of pain and trauma in their past, in which case you may note she may try to take that baggage out on you.

Perhaps she has a difficult relationship with her family, or was abused previously. You may find that as a result of that trauma, she acts in some of those same terrible ways toward you — because consciously or not, that pain is what she’s come to believe a relationship is.

This is an awful place to be in, and as tempted as you may be to think you can help her through it, the truth is, you probably can’t. What she needs isn’t someone who will just take her abuse. Instead, she needs to accept that she has an emotional problem and seek professional help for that problem.

Only after that is there any hope that you might be able to have a healthy relationship…and the truth is, even then, there may be too much baggage between the two of you, as she’s connected her past trauma to you.

It’s not anything personal — it’s just who she is.

Guilt trips are her jam

You may find yourself apologizing for things that aren’t in any way your fault, because she isn’t able to take emotional responsibility for her own actions.

Look, it’s one thing to accept your mistakes; this is something we should all practice doing. It’s another to occasionally take responsibility for something that wasn’t your fault to help pacify a situation and keep things moving forward.

When it gets to be a regular occurrence, though? That’s a problem.

So if you note that she regularly tries to make you feel guilty about things that aren’t your fault, or that you shouldn’t feel guilty about, that’s a bad sign, and may be your cue to step back, because a partnership can’t move forward if both parties aren’t willing to take responsibility, and that’s a pretty good sign she’s not willing or ready to carry her emotional weight.

Does the woman you’re seeing check all the signs of an emotionally unavailable woman?

If you enjoy her company and love everything else about her, you may convince yourself that her emotional unavailability is a challenge or that you can change her but the truth is that the only person that can change her is her.

Ultimately, an emotionally unavailable woman isn’t able to give you what you need, and there could be a lot of heartache along the way for you. It’s time to ask yourself whether that’s something you want to sign up for.

How to Stop Dating Your Ex Over and Over Again

dating your ex

You just broken off a relationship that’s going nowhere to search for something better…but how do you make sure that you don’t end up dating someone exactly like your ex?

Whether you managed to remain friends with your ex or bitter enemies, your ex is an ex for a reason. Still, many people end up breaking off one unhealthy relationship only to enter into another one with the same kind of person.

Einstein famously said that “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.”

Don’t drive yourself insane by dating another version of the person you just managed to leave. Here’s how you can avoid dating another version of your ex.

Give Strange a Chance

People are naturally drawn to what’s familiar and comfortable, whether it’s a plushy chair at or a worn sweater you’ve had for years. As a result, we eat the same things we did as children, listen to similar types of music throughout our lives, have a favorite style of clothing, and have a string of exes who – if all assembled in one room – would bear an eery resemblance to one another.

We go with what is instantly familiar, thinking that we are choosing this person or this dish or this style of clothing because it is our preference.

What we forget is that these preferences were predetermined very early by circumstances that didn’t have much to do with us.

The food we prefer has more to do with the culture we grew up in rather than actual preference. The music we prefer has a lot to do with where and when you grew up.

And the romantic partners you prefer has a lot to do with the people who shaped your romantic interests – your parents, your friends, and of course, your past partners.

So when you find yourself having been through a relationship with a type of person that you know will not work for you again, its time you give the strange and unfamiliar a chance.

It’s time to experiment outside of your comfort zone and stay open-minded about the possibility of enjoying something you never even imagined you’d enjoy.

Whenever you find yourself instantly drawn to someone, ask yourself – do I feel this way because they’re familiar to me or because they’ve genuinely got something going on?

If the answer isn’t the latter, drop that other version of your ex and look around for other, unfamiliar yet intriguing options.

Nitpick Through the Ex Pile

Your ex probably left behind a pile of memories – some terrible, some frustrating, some lovely, some satisfying, and so on. Whatever the pile looks like, thank your lucky stars for this ex pile because it’s going to be of tremendous help in assuring you never date someone like your ex again.

With a pen and paper handy, pick through the ex pile looking for the shiniest bits you can find. These will be the qualities that you most liked about your ex.

Go ahead and pluck out “affectionate” from the rubble, reach over and scoop up “generous” as well. Gather all the qualities that made you fall in love with your ex and write them down.

Once you have that pile of the best parts of your ex, go through it and think about what your ex did or said or how you ex behaved that made you think he/she had that quality. Did he know exactly when you needed to hear comforting words? Did she try her best to get on with your closest buddies?

Why’s this important? Learn more about the languages of love.

Now that you’ve reminisced on all the fond memories, you may be sort of thinking that your ex wasn’t half bad. Well, let’s get started on the rest of that pile, shall we? From now on, you’ll be picking directly from the rubble. Go on and pick up the trashy bits of your ex. Was he cheap? Was she selfish? Was he tactless when you most needed reassurance? Was she emotionally cold?

Keep this list for future reference. While we don’t recommend judging every date you have against a list of yours, it’s good to keep in mind the qualities that you like and don’t like so that you don’t keep attracting the same things for yourself.

The list that you gather from the ex pile will help you determine whether a new love is someone that will work for you rather than simply pinning your hopes on the potential of what might be.

Take a Good Look at Yourself

Ever heard the phrase, “Like attracts like?” If you’re looking for a partner with certain qualities – say, thoughtfulness, consideration, and optimism – it certainly helps for you to have those qualities yourself. If you’ve been looking for a certain type of person, but keep attracting the opposite every single time, the issue may not lie in who you meet but who you are.

When you make changes in yourself to become a person that possesses the very qualities you want your ideal mate to have, the sort of person you are attracted to and attract will naturally change.

If you’re trying to attract someone who is a great listener, try to practice active listening yourself. If you like generosity, think of ways you can practice generosity in every day of your life.

It’s easy to fall into the pattern of settling for what you already know won’t work, but armed with a little reflection and a determination to proactively create a better love life for yourself, you won’t ever have to date another version of your ex again!

7 Simple Rules to Master the Art of Conversation

art of conversation

While lust at first sight requires no words, the kind of love that inspires and endures usually begins with conversation.

As Dead Prez so accurately rapped:

“We could have mind sex, we ain’t got to take out clothes off yet…Before we make love, let’s have a good conversation.”

Obviously, conversation is important not only in love, but in every aspect of our lives. A great conversation is often what determines whether and how someone remembers us as well as how people gauge the most integral parts of your character.

You can lead the most interesting, multi-dimensional life imaginable, but if you do not know the tricks of effectively communicating who you are and what you think about to your date, you might not get a second one.

Because there is nothing more fatal to new romance than bland chit-chat,  we’ve gathered the most commonly broken rules for a great conversation.

Follow them and you’ll be booking date after date. After all, everyone loves a great conversationalist.

Listen more than you speak

A no-brainer, but actually difficult to execute as there needs to be a balance. Try to make sure the conversation is 40% you speaking and 60% the other person speaking.

Keep your end of the conversation qualitative, rather than quantitative.  If both parties follow the 40/60 rule, neither of you will come home wondering, “How did he/she manage to eat without ever closing his/her mouth?”

Be curious

In order to be genuinely curious, you must ask questions that one, you actually want to hear about and two, are substantive rather than simply narrative. “What did you do today?”, while polite to ask, usually results in narrative chit-chat. “Are you the eldest? Do you agree with the whole birth order/personality theory?” leads to the sharing of opinions, histories, observations. You know, the fun stuff.

Avoid the play-by-play

When someone asks you a question, there is no need to relate every detail of the story. If you’re in the habit of doing this: “And then she said…and then I did…and then we went…and then we saw…” Just stop it.

Boil the tale down to the bits that matter and present it properly or scrap it altogether.

Create intrigue

This ties into #4. Share the parts of the story that are the most interesting. Invite your date to ask questions.

Keep it relatable

Especially at the beginning of relationships, you don’t have to share every aspect of yourself, your thoughts, or experiences. The point is to build a common ground.

Make sure that the anecdotes you tell and the references you make are of interest to the listening party.

Quick tip: if you have to end a story by, “Yea, you just have to have been there”…it’s probably not worth telling.

Another tip: Unless you know the other party is into say, Greek mythology, avoid arcane references to said subject.

Avoid declarations about yourself and your personality

There’s no need to state that you’re kind, or considerate or generous or fill-in-the-blank, most people with their senses intact will be able to gauge most of these qualities simply by observing your mannerisms and your conversational content and style.

It’s always better to demonstrate than state.

Smile

Anything that can be said is infinitely more charming when spoken with a smile.

6 Signs You’re Settling for the Wrong Person

signs you're settling for the wrong person

We’ve all been there: snuggled into the comfort of a routine relationship, but uncertain if your partner is the right one for you.

Here are seven signs you’re settling for the wrong person!

You feel pressured to change who you are to keep the relationship going

If you feel you have to alter your values, your personality, or your goals in life in order to be with your partner, you’re probably settling for someone who doesn’t quite suit you.

This is not to say that compromise isn’t an important part of every relationship, but the core of who you are – the beliefs, worldview, and characteristics that make you you –  should be things that are either shared by or celebrated by your partner, not things that should have to change to suit your partner.

You can’t shake the feeling there’s something missing in the relationship

This is a common feeling that people get when they’re in an unsatisfactory relationship. Such people will often try to explain away this feeling with justifications such as, “But she’s perfect. Look at her – she’s gorgeous, and smart, and sweet…” or “He’s exactly what I wanted. He’s stable and understanding, plus, he supports my ambitions and goals…”

It may be true – your partner may be what you wanted. Or what you thought you wanted. But the fact of the matter is – there’s still something missing.

Usually, that missing piece is a quality that is still ineffable because you haven’t yet come to realize it as a quality that you need for a relationship to work for you.

View this absence of that quality in your current relationship as an opportunity to better explore your own relationship needs so that the next time, you’ll know to look for someone who has that certain je ne sais quoi.

You hesitate to share ideas and thoughts that are important to you because you know your partner won’t “get it”

Chemistry is important in the beginning of the relationship – it’s what creates the spark that ignites the beginning of the romance. But to keep the relationship going, compatibility is paramount.

If your partner is not on the same mental, emotional, spiritual realm as you are – to the point where even communication of your innermost thoughts isn’t possible – you’re settling for someone who is physically with you, but otherwise not.

You’re constantly wishing your partner were different

This is a rather natural extension of #3. If you find yourself being unable to connect with your partner and begin to wishfully make mental changes to their personality, your relationship dynamic, or even your partner’s looks and behaviors – you are clearly not satisfied with the partner you’re currently with.

Granted no one is perfect and comparisons may arise from time-to-time, but someone who is truly happy in his or her relationship still wouldn’t trade his or her partner for anyone different. If you would – you’re probably settling.

You wake up next to them in the morning and instead of feeling giddy, you resent them for hogging the blanket

It’s always the little things. But when you’re falling in love, and wearing those rose-colored glasses, you won’t notice or care to notice your partner’s quirks and flaws. Some people manage to overlook these minor irritations in their partner because the positives outweigh the flaws.

If you, however, are getting to the point where you find yourself irritated by your partner’s inability to share the blanket, the noises he makes when eating, her high-pitched laughter – watch out, these seemingly little annoyances can send you deeper into the realm of dissatisfaction with your relationship.

It feels like an effort to be with your partner

You feel like you have to exert effort to go out for a night with your partner and truly enjoy yourself.

Striking up an interesting, absorbing conversation with your partner takes massive energy out of you. “Working on” your relationship and being there for your partner doesn’t come naturally and you have to try hard just to listen and care about what you’re listening to.

If you regularly feel that it takes a concerted effort from you to have a satisfying relationship with your partner, you’re heart is simply not in the relationship you’re currently in.