Throughout college and my other formative years, I wholly believed there was nothing different about dating a bisexual versus a lesbian. I dated them, loved them, and even planned a future with some. We had a great time, just like any other lady-loving-lady relationship.

And then my most serious girlfriend (who happened to be bisexual) left me. It stung. Shortly after that, I heard she started dating a mediocre-looking man. They bought a house together and got engaged within months. Double sting.

In fact, it stung so hard that I, like many lesbians, decided to ban dating bisexual women altogether.

It didn’t take long before I realized it was a pretty crappy move on my part. I was treating other women the same way that I didn’t want to be treated by the straight population, with an upturned nose and a no way. I also realized that there were some pretty amazing women out there that I wasn’t even giving a chance, all because of my ill-founded insecurities.

I’m more than over it now (and happily engaged to a bisexual woman), but I know many lesbians are still pretty wary when it comes down to it. So I’ve compiled a list of the three biggest concerns many women have about dating bisexuals, and why they shouldn’t be concerns at all.

Bisexual women are faking it

The concern: Bisexuals are just women who are confused about what they want or just want to try something new. Or need attention. Or threesomes to make their boyfriend happy. Or…well, you get the picture.

The truth: Bisexuals are just… bisexuals. Later in life they may realize they only like girls and come out as lesbian. Alternately, they may realize they only like men. It’s rare but it happens, just like a straight or gay person can identify as something else later on.

Sexuality is very fluid, and that applies to every single person on this planet. But that doesn’t mean we should pretend bisexuals don’t know what (or who) they want just because they like two genders. Seriously. Who would purposely make life harder on themselves by coming out as bisexual if they didn’t have to? No one, that’s who.

Especially not when bisexuality is one of the most scrutinized sexualities out there. So all we can do, as lesbians, is realize that bisexuality is as valid as our own sexuality, and that no one is out there trying to purposely screw us over for shits and giggles.

Bisexual women have more prospects

The concern: Imagine you walk into a restaurant and your hot date spots two empty seats at the bar, so you make yourself comfortable. You compliment her hair and crack a joke about the stools being too tall. She’s smiling, you’re smiling, and…the man beside you is smiling too.

He says hello to your date, and she smiles back – your heart stops. Is it because she’s friendly, or because she’s into him? Is he more attractive than you? God, why do you suddenly feel so hot and clammy?

The truth: The dating pool a bisexual can choose from is essentially double that of lesbians, with both male and female-identifying people being fair game. That can be scary!

Most lesbians are used to laughing (or cringing) off advances from male-identified people. So when we’re on a date and a man hits on our bisexual girl, insecurities can flare.

However, it’s so important to take a step back and realize that she’s on the date with you. You are the person she chose to go out with. She likes you, wants to be around you, and probably isn’t thinking about rounding up another person while she’s invested in you. Being bisexual doesn’t automatically make someone a cheater, okay?

You’re the person who caught her attention; not some rando at the bar. Embrace it!

A bisexual woman will leave me for a…man

The concern: A bisexual will eventually leave me for a man and I’ll never recover from such an inhumane betrayal on all of lesbian-kind.

The truth: As in my case, and I’m sure in many others, the underlying fear here can be somewhat warranted. However, it’s time to take a step back and reassess. For example, if you are in a lesbian-lesbian relationship and your lady breaks things off, you can assume it’s because she isn’t happy with the relationship…right?

I think we can agree that, most of the time, the answer is yes. But it still hurts when she eventually gets with another woman. Jealousy, insecurity, and maybe even disbelief shortly follow. Then you find someone else too and those bad feelings aren’t quite as strong anymore. It happens, and life goes on.

So I challenge you to ask yourself, how is it any different if an ex-girlfriend eventually starts dating a man rather than a woman? Deep down we all know: it isn’t.

She (or you) wasn’t happy, the relationship ended, and now she has a clean slate to pursue whoever she wants to (and so do you). By the time that happens, she’s not thinking about you anymore. There are no comparisons. She isn’t saying, “Oh, my girlfriend didn’t do x, y, and z. I’m so glad I have a man now!” if she starts dating a man.

She probably isn’t thinking, “Sex is so much better with a man. I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with vagina anymore.” And she most definitely isn’t thinking that what she had with you was any less real than what she has with a man. None of that is happening.

There’s no reason to feel self-conscious or inferior. She’s just…moving on and trying to be happy like everyone else. You mattered, your relationship was real, and sometimes things just don’t work out. It’s okay to be upset that she moved on, but it’s never okay to be upset about who she moved on with solely because of her new partner’s gender.