Let’s dive right into what you want to know: who pays on a lesbian date? Gender roles are tricky enough for straight couples and seemingly even more complicated when it comes to lesbian dating.

So whether you’ve landed your first (or fifth) date with another lady, there’s a good chance you’re still unsure of the paying protocol. I assure you: You are not alone.

Gender Roles and the Check

As a newly-out, self-acclaimed soft butch, I believed that I would be the one paying for my more feminine counterparts. I looked the part, so why not act the part? However, I quickly learned that this idea was based on antiquated heterosexual behaviors that typically don’t apply to lesbian relationships.

Why? Well, it really boils down to one little word: money.

Everything we do revolves around money. It’s the foundation of our very society. But the fact remains that some people earn less than others. In fact, a woman earns approximately eleven thousand dollars less per year than a man for the exact same job. Eleven thousand.

Do you know what you could pay for with that much money? Dates. Lots and lots of dates. That’s why men have historically been expected to pay for them. They earn more, so they can spend more.

Lesbian Dating: Who Pays?

But what happens when two lesbians date? There’s not only one person earning less, but two. How do we, as lesbians, overcome this double deficit without breaking the bank? Well, the answer is surprisingly obvious.

In fact, I’ve never met any lady-loving lady who disagrees because it’s just that simple:

• If you asked her out, then you should pay.

• If she asked you out, then she should pay.

If you’re asking her out for a steak dinner, then you should pay for that steak dinner. If she asks you to join her on a five-hour journey to the aquarium, then she should pay for both tickets to the aquarium (but don’t be a jerk and not offer to chip in for the snacks).

It may seem a little strange at first, especially if you’ve never dated another woman before, but remember: you aren’t trying to go halfsies with a friend. You aren’t going out with a mere female acquaintance. You’re trying to woo someone who may end up being the love of your life, so plan and pay accordingly.

However, these are not hard and fast rules that you have to stick to forever. Around the forth date – or whenever it feels right to you – definitely talk about other ways to pay. If you both choose to split the bill from then onward, then that is perfectly acceptable.

You can also do what my girlfriend and I do: I’ll pay for one, and she’ll pay for the next. In fact, most women I know actually flip back and forth between who pays for each date at some point.

It’s practical, and honestly builds trust and security that may not have been there before. There’s nothing better than knowing your date has your back just as much you have hers.

If money is tight for either you or your lady and neither of these options are practical, then come to a solution that works best for the both of you. Maybe the woman who makes the least money only pays for every third date.

Maybe the woman who makes the most money decides to pay for everything except the cheap coffee dates. Both of these things are valid, and they are valid because they work for both of you.

Conversely, if you are unwilling to pay for anything ever, then there’s a good chance you won’t be dating that person for very much longer. Never paying can make you look like a freeloader. Please, for the love of all things Sapphic, don’t be a freeloader.

And if you do happen to slip into freeloading territory, there’s a good chance the relationship won’t last very long. Why? Well, it’s clearly all about balance in female-female relationships. Take care of your lady as best as you can, and I promise she will take care of you.