How to Stop Dating Your Ex Over and Over Again

dating your ex

You just broken off a relationship that’s going nowhere to search for something better…but how do you make sure that you don’t end up dating someone exactly like your ex?

Whether you managed to remain friends with your ex or bitter enemies, your ex is an ex for a reason. Still, many people end up breaking off one unhealthy relationship only to enter into another one with the same kind of person.

Einstein famously said that “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.”

Don’t drive yourself insane by dating another version of the person you just managed to leave. Here’s how you can avoid dating another version of your ex.

Give Strange a Chance

People are naturally drawn to what’s familiar and comfortable, whether it’s a plushy chair at or a worn sweater you’ve had for years. As a result, we eat the same things we did as children, listen to similar types of music throughout our lives, have a favorite style of clothing, and have a string of exes who – if all assembled in one room – would bear an eery resemblance to one another.

We go with what is instantly familiar, thinking that we are choosing this person or this dish or this style of clothing because it is our preference.

What we forget is that these preferences were predetermined very early by circumstances that didn’t have much to do with us.

The food we prefer has more to do with the culture we grew up in rather than actual preference. The music we prefer has a lot to do with where and when you grew up.

And the romantic partners you prefer has a lot to do with the people who shaped your romantic interests – your parents, your friends, and of course, your past partners.

So when you find yourself having been through a relationship with a type of person that you know will not work for you again, its time you give the strange and unfamiliar a chance.

It’s time to experiment outside of your comfort zone and stay open-minded about the possibility of enjoying something you never even imagined you’d enjoy.

Whenever you find yourself instantly drawn to someone, ask yourself – do I feel this way because they’re familiar to me or because they’ve genuinely got something going on?

If the answer isn’t the latter, drop that other version of your ex and look around for other, unfamiliar yet intriguing options.

Nitpick Through the Ex Pile

Your ex probably left behind a pile of memories – some terrible, some frustrating, some lovely, some satisfying, and so on. Whatever the pile looks like, thank your lucky stars for this ex pile because it’s going to be of tremendous help in assuring you never date someone like your ex again.

With a pen and paper handy, pick through the ex pile looking for the shiniest bits you can find. These will be the qualities that you most liked about your ex.

Go ahead and pluck out “affectionate” from the rubble, reach over and scoop up “generous” as well. Gather all the qualities that made you fall in love with your ex and write them down.

Once you have that pile of the best parts of your ex, go through it and think about what your ex did or said or how you ex behaved that made you think he/she had that quality. Did he know exactly when you needed to hear comforting words? Did she try her best to get on with your closest buddies?

Why’s this important? Learn more about the languages of love.

Now that you’ve reminisced on all the fond memories, you may be sort of thinking that your ex wasn’t half bad. Well, let’s get started on the rest of that pile, shall we? From now on, you’ll be picking directly from the rubble. Go on and pick up the trashy bits of your ex. Was he cheap? Was she selfish? Was he tactless when you most needed reassurance? Was she emotionally cold?

Keep this list for future reference. While we don’t recommend judging every date you have against a list of yours, it’s good to keep in mind the qualities that you like and don’t like so that you don’t keep attracting the same things for yourself.

The list that you gather from the ex pile will help you determine whether a new love is someone that will work for you rather than simply pinning your hopes on the potential of what might be.

Take a Good Look at Yourself

Ever heard the phrase, “Like attracts like?” If you’re looking for a partner with certain qualities – say, thoughtfulness, consideration, and optimism – it certainly helps for you to have those qualities yourself. If you’ve been looking for a certain type of person, but keep attracting the opposite every single time, the issue may not lie in who you meet but who you are.

When you make changes in yourself to become a person that possesses the very qualities you want your ideal mate to have, the sort of person you are attracted to and attract will naturally change.

If you’re trying to attract someone who is a great listener, try to practice active listening yourself. If you like generosity, think of ways you can practice generosity in every day of your life.

It’s easy to fall into the pattern of settling for what you already know won’t work, but armed with a little reflection and a determination to proactively create a better love life for yourself, you won’t ever have to date another version of your ex again!

5 Surefire Ways to Make Your Gay Dating Profile Suck

gay dating profile

A hot photo or two may cut it when you’re looking for a hookup but if you’re on the market for a relationship, your gay dating profile matters.

Especially since the Internet is undoubtedly one of the most popular places to meet men. And with dozens of profiles accessible with the click of a button – the competition is fierce and you need to make yourself stand out.

That means your gay dating profile is everything when it comes to online dating. That picture plus the string of words you use to describe yourself are the biggest determining factors of whether you get a date, get laid, find love, or pay monthly membership fees to receive virtual rejections on a daily basis.

If the latter is what you’re after, here are 5 things you can do to make sure your gay dating profile sucks.

Tell us your sob story

So you had a few bad runs on the dating merry-go-round. There’s no need to advertise to the world how you’ve been betrayed, had a hard time growing up, just exited an abusive relationship, were fondled by your uncles, etc.

For the love of god, wait until at least the second date to cry on my shoulder.

Fish for a quality man, using penis picture as bait

Why, oh why, would anyone do this? If you have even an inkling of an interest in a quality relationship with a person of substance, skip the dick pics, especially when you’re saying “hello.”

No matter how pretty yours may be, it’s not the first thing you should introduce about yourself if you’re looking for a relationship.

If you’re looking for a gay hookup, however, those pics can come in handy. As always, different tools for different goals.

Regale us with tall tales

“I’m 6-feet-tall” is one of the most common assertions made by men online. It seems the Internet is overrun with men who all just happen to be 6-feet-tall, which is funny since only 14.5 of the entire U.S. male population is 6-feet or taller.

If you’re a few inches below the standard 6-feet, it’s okay – just be honest. You know you may just end up meeting that person you’re chatting with, right? And chances are…yea, he’s going to notice you’re a liar.

Unless you plan to schlep around in elevator shoes the whole time you guys are together, it’s better to just say you’re 5’10 if you are actually 5’10.

On a related note, mentioning the height of your penis is also pretty unnecessary. It’s great that you have a tall penis, but let us find out for ourselves…if it comes to that.

Let loose the diva

It’s one thing to intersperse diva talk in conversation with people who love and forgive you but to channel Ru Paul in your dating profile…bitch, PLEASE…don’t do it. Just don’t. Use your real voice.

List every preference you’ve ever had

Even if you are an astrology junkie that lives your life according to the transit of the planets, is there really a need to mention that you only get along with Scorpios and Cancers and never with Libras or Tauruses? This is a surefire way to make sure your profile gets skipped by most star signs.

Or, looking for dates who fit into an extremely narrow range, such as “are comfortable with your homosexuality, but not ‘so open’ about it.” What does that even mean? You don’t want me to do jazz hands over dinner?

Sometimes in life, what you don’t do is more important than what you do. Like the above 5 things that guarantee your dating profile will suck – steer clear and you’re already a cut above the rest.

3 Reasons Why Gay Dating Sites are the Best Place to Meet Gay Men

Best Place to Meet Gay Men

There are a plethora of reasons why the Internet is the best place to meet gay men. Gay men are well-connected, tech-savvy and are heading to the Internet in droves to expand their dating options.

You may already be one of them, but in case you aren’t – here are a few reasons you should be.

Big City Options in a Small Town

Meeting gay men in a city that is not Frisco or NYC can be challenging. Straight singles – even the ones who live in a one-horse town – have much better odds of running into a potential dating prospect anywhere they go, but with gay men – well, there just may not be that many around where you live.

Or even if there are a few, how are you going to go about identifying them?

Getting online allows you to instantly connect with gay men in your area. There’s no awkward glances to try to determine his gayness, no double-guessing your own gaydar, you just hop online and if he’s on there, he’s gay, he’s single (hopefully), and well, the rest is history.

Substance over Superficiality

Although a quick glance through any Grindr profile may convince you otherwise, the online dating sphere does emphasize personality and common interests over superficiality.

Sure, you may be originally drawn to his picture(s), but a picture is just a picture and you’re going to need more than that to keep up the constant chatting and emailing back and forth.

With all the competition on the online dating scene – tons and tons of profiles at the click of a button – it does take something a little different, a little more substantive to keep you talking to one hottie over all the other ones.

Not to mention it’s also that much easier to dismiss someone once he shows himself to be a complete douchebag.

Keep Yourself Looking Fresh (and Your Wallet Intact)

There are always other options of meeting gay men, but if you want exposure to as many gays as online dating offers – it requires a near-daily trek out at odd hours of the night to take up your spot in some dingy hole of a club with bad circulation and worse lighting.

Gay clubs and bars are fun once in a blue moon, but frequent them too often and it won’t be long before you’re looking seriously haggard. Not to mention, no one likes a beer gut.

Once you factor in bar cover charges and the drinks you’ll be buying for yourself and the few hotties you may get a chance to talk to, and frequenting these clubs starts taking a toll on your wallet also.

Online dating keeps you fresh and pretty (and rich) for when you do score that hot date.

Want to know the best gay dating sites?

After the First Date: How to Know He’ll Call…and Whether You Should Pick Up

after the first date

The first date is a funny thing. It’s supposed to be a no-pressure face-to-face encounter, the purpose of which is to simply get to know each other. In reality, it’s more of a make-it-or-break-it interview, where the two parties size each other up to see whether any sort of a future is possible.

No wonder so many people find the first date so immensely stressful. We’ve all done our part to suck the fun out of it.

Considering we’re all doing our bit to be on our most rigid best behavior on these dates, it can be hard to gauge after that one date whether you two stand a chance together.

How do you know where you stand with him? And more importantly, whether he deserves a chance with you?

Here are some first date signs that indicate he’ll call…and whether you should pick up.

Anticipation was in the air

Spend a minute or two to think back to the hour or two before the first date. If you’ve been chatting with the guy for a little while, you must’ve had some expectations about the first meeting.

What did you do while getting ready for your date? Or, more importantly, how did you feel? Did you blast some music that perfectly matched your feeling of frenzied anticipation?

Did you lend some thought as to where you guys would go, how it would be, and allow yourself to daydream – even for a bit? Did you spend longer than you should’ve in fixing your hair and choosing out your outfit for the night?

Or did you stuff yourself with some pizza, debate whether you would have a better time watching Netflix while enjoying the rest of that pizza, then finally decide to head out the door a few minutes after you guys were supposed to meet up – spraying yourself with some deodorant in lieu of a shower?

If you found yourself less-than-excited at the prospect of first meeting this guy, it’s a clear indication that whatever you knew about his personality didn’t quite do it for you.

Of course, as you spend more and more time with him, he may grow on you but anticipation and expectation (especially in the beginning) is crucial for propelling two people over the initial bumps of awkward first dates and into the relationship territory.

Conversation was flowing as much as the wine

First dates, especially the first few minutes, are a little awkward. You may spend those initial minutes exchanging elevator small talk, but eventually, the conversation should flow into broader, more interesting territory.

As you get a better idea of the person sitting in front of you, it should become easier to ask questions, share anecdotes, exchange banter and opinions, and generally feel at ease in the flow of conversation.

This is the essence of chemistry.

How was the first date conversation? Was it intoxicating to the point where you ended up staying longer than you expected to? Or can you barely remember what you talked about through the haze of the wine you drank to keep yourself from dying of boredom?

One of the biggest determinants of whether you two have a future together lies in how well you connect – and conversation forms the crux of this. If the convo didn’t flow, to the second date you should not go.

There were questions aplenty

Think back to the first date conversation and try to remember – how interested was he in you? When you related a story or detail about your life, did it elicit a perfunctory response from him or was he genuinely curious to know what you thought about things, how you felt, etc?

When there’s mutual attraction, the first few dates are like archaeological missions with both parties genuinely eager to uncover new information about the other.

If you had to force yourself to ask questions about his life and vice versa, there’s probably not enough interest to carry things through the second date and beyond.

7 Simple Rules to Master the Art of Conversation

art of conversation

While lust at first sight requires no words, the kind of love that inspires and endures usually begins with conversation.

As Dead Prez so accurately rapped:

“We could have mind sex, we ain’t got to take out clothes off yet…Before we make love, let’s have a good conversation.”

Obviously, conversation is important not only in love, but in every aspect of our lives. A great conversation is often what determines whether and how someone remembers us as well as how people gauge the most integral parts of your character.

You can lead the most interesting, multi-dimensional life imaginable, but if you do not know the tricks of effectively communicating who you are and what you think about to your date, you might not get a second one.

Because there is nothing more fatal to new romance than bland chit-chat,  we’ve gathered the most commonly broken rules for a great conversation.

Follow them and you’ll be booking date after date. After all, everyone loves a great conversationalist.

Listen more than you speak

A no-brainer, but actually difficult to execute as there needs to be a balance. Try to make sure the conversation is 40% you speaking and 60% the other person speaking.

Keep your end of the conversation qualitative, rather than quantitative.  If both parties follow the 40/60 rule, neither of you will come home wondering, “How did he/she manage to eat without ever closing his/her mouth?”

Be curious

In order to be genuinely curious, you must ask questions that one, you actually want to hear about and two, are substantive rather than simply narrative. “What did you do today?”, while polite to ask, usually results in narrative chit-chat. “Are you the eldest? Do you agree with the whole birth order/personality theory?” leads to the sharing of opinions, histories, observations. You know, the fun stuff.

Avoid the play-by-play

When someone asks you a question, there is no need to relate every detail of the story. If you’re in the habit of doing this: “And then she said…and then I did…and then we went…and then we saw…” Just stop it.

Boil the tale down to the bits that matter and present it properly or scrap it altogether.

Create intrigue

This ties into #4. Share the parts of the story that are the most interesting. Invite your date to ask questions.

Keep it relatable

Especially at the beginning of relationships, you don’t have to share every aspect of yourself, your thoughts, or experiences. The point is to build a common ground.

Make sure that the anecdotes you tell and the references you make are of interest to the listening party.

Quick tip: if you have to end a story by, “Yea, you just have to have been there”…it’s probably not worth telling.

Another tip: Unless you know the other party is into say, Greek mythology, avoid arcane references to said subject.

Avoid declarations about yourself and your personality

There’s no need to state that you’re kind, or considerate or generous or fill-in-the-blank, most people with their senses intact will be able to gauge most of these qualities simply by observing your mannerisms and your conversational content and style.

It’s always better to demonstrate than state.

Smile

Anything that can be said is infinitely more charming when spoken with a smile.

6 Tell Tale Signs He’s Lying To You

Signs He's Lying To You

Sometimes the make-it-or-break-it point in a relationship comes down to just one thing: is he lying to you?

If you’re caught at the crossroads of not knowing whether to work on your relationship or leave it altogether and this decision lies (no pun intended) solely on whether he is speaking the truth about a certain issue, read on for tell-tale hints that will help you make your decision.

Hint #1: The Pinocchio Syndrome

According to Dr. Alan Hirsch from the department of Neurology and Psychiatry at the Rush Presbyterian – St. Luke’s Medical Center in Chicago, blood rushes to the nose when people lie.

The sudden increase in blood may make the nose itchy, or at least uncomfortable, causing liars to either scratch their noses or touch them more often.

Hint #2: Watch his movements

Men will often reveal the truthfulness of their words through their movements. Watch to see if your man stops moving altogether as he relates his answer to your question – this could mean he needs to focus on concocting and remembering a story that he’s fabricated.

Also, look for nervous or anxious twitches, such as rubbing fingertips, tapping of the legs, constantly wiping under eyes, or licking hip lips – these movements are often impulsive gestures that help him relieve some of the tension that comes from the effort of lying.

Hint #3: His eyes say it all

If he can’t even look you in the eyes, it’s natural for you to be suspicious, but you should also be wary if he stares too intently in your eyes. Liars will often hold your gaze too long, too sincerely in an attempt to make themselves more believable.

Watch his eye contact and if it differs much from how he holds your gaze when he’s telling the truth, listen to his story with a critical ear.

The moment when you pose your question is also an important time to watch his eyes. If you are maintaining eye contact as you pose your question and he immediately breaks eye contact before answering, he may not be telling the truth.

This  need to quickly look away can be a subconscious reaction to his own guilt. Eventually, he’ll become aware of this motion and return his gaze back to yours but those few seconds during which his eyes fled from your stare can tell you more than his words.

Hint #4: Does he know his story?

It’s obvious that if his story is inconsistent, he’s telling a lie. But also check for facts in his story that you are able to verify on your own – i.e. store closing times, major events, other people’s schedules, etc.

Whereas it’s not a good idea to call his boys and ask for verification in the form of a verbal time stamp that your man was with them at the time he claimed he was, you can always casually drop in a confirmation next time you’re around his buddies.

Another helpful way to check whether his story is true is to check whether he can relate the events of his story in a different order. If the story he’s giving you is a fabricated one, it’ll be easy for him to tell it the way he constructed it: in an a – b – c order, but he won’t be able to tell it in a b – a – c order.  Test him.

Hint #5: He accuses you

A popular defensive strategy used by men is to turn the situation around by accusing the woman of paranoia or craziness.

This tactic works because it disqualifies and reduces all the woman’s concerns and questions to mere paranoia – which means both that the man doesn’t have to answer the question posed to him and the woman begins to wonder whether she even has the right to ask.

Turning the situation around is a classic defense mechanism; anyone who’s in the hot seat wants to take the pressure off himself if even for a little bit. If you find your man pulling this on you, there’s probably something he wants to avoid telling you.

Hint #6: You gut says something’s amiss

Instinct, intuition, your gut – whatever you choose to call that feeling of just knowing – it is not to be ignored. If your inner gut is telling you that something is off about your man, about his story, about his recent behavior, take some time for yourself to try and think why it is that you have this feeling.

Those feeling don’t arise for no reason whatsoever – trust yourself and the validity of your own emotions. Give yourself some time to get to the root of why you feel a certain way instead of pressing him for answers.

And finally, remember: If you find yourself at the point in a relationship, where you have to regularly use the signs he’s lying to you listed above, the problem in your relationship goes far deeper than whether he’s lying or not.

The cornerstone of a healthy relationship is trust and without a foundation of mutual faith and trust, no relationship can last for long.

It’s nice to be able to detect when your man is lying to you, but it’s so much better to unequivocally trust that your man is faithful to you and honest with you. If that trust has been broken in this relationship, it may be time to move on.

5 Subtle, Easy-to-Miss Signs That He’s Really Into You

signs he's into you

You’ve been on a few dates and everything feels like it’s clicking into place. But is it just infatuation or is he really into you?

Although every guy has a different way of expressing his feelings, these are some tell-tale signs that crop up across the board.

He gives you his prime time

Most people are busy trying to fit their career, family, and friends into the limited amount of time allotted to them.

If the man you’re seeing consistently wants to see you during the best times he has available – Friday evenings, weekends, weekday evenings – instead of spending the time with his buddies, you can bet he’s pretty into you.

He factors your preferences into his decisions

When the man you’re seeing begins to consider your preferences in his decisions, it shows that he not only cares enough to remember these details about you, but that these likes and dislikes of yours matter a lot to him.

If you find your date naturally choosing only vegetarian restaurants since you’re a vegetarian or joining a gym since you love to work out – rest assured the guy is into you.

He starts to quote you

“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery…” If you’ve spent some time with your guy and you notice he’s begun to adopt some of your lingo and your ideas – he shouldn’t have to tell you that you’re occupying his thoughts constantly.

He listens to you. And asks questions.

This one should be a no-brainer. If the guys you’re seeing is attentive and engaging whether you’re talking about sex, politics, puppies with down syndrome, etc., he’s interested in what you’re thinking and is probably trying to gauge whether you two are compatible on different levels.

A man who is trying to figure out if you two can work in the long-run is most likely, into you enough to try to see where it might lead.

He wants to “talk about it”

Despite the “Men Mars, Women Venus” stuff, men are the same with women in a lot of ways. When people of both sexes begin to have feelings for someone, there’s a tiny bit of insecurity and anxiety that arises along with all the happy-butterflies-in-gut feelings.

If you happen to express any sort of concern, anxiety, insecurity and instead of simply glossing it over, he wants to “talk about it” – you can bet that it’s because he’s feeling the same way too. He’s becoming really into you and he wants to make sure you are too.

I know we said 5 signs, but here’s an additional (situation-dependent) one for good measure…

He soccer-mom-arms you

If you don’t know what a soccer-mom arm is, it’s when you’re driving in the car and some douchebag cuts you off, causing you to veer off course. In that sudden panic, the driver instinctively reaches out one arm to make sure the precious person in the passenger seat doesn’t come to harm.

If your guy does this – you can rest assured that you’re really quite important to him.

6 Signs You’re Settling for the Wrong Person

signs you're settling for the wrong person

We’ve all been there: snuggled into the comfort of a routine relationship, but uncertain if your partner is the right one for you.

Here are seven signs you’re settling for the wrong person!

You feel pressured to change who you are to keep the relationship going

If you feel you have to alter your values, your personality, or your goals in life in order to be with your partner, you’re probably settling for someone who doesn’t quite suit you.

This is not to say that compromise isn’t an important part of every relationship, but the core of who you are – the beliefs, worldview, and characteristics that make you you –  should be things that are either shared by or celebrated by your partner, not things that should have to change to suit your partner.

You can’t shake the feeling there’s something missing in the relationship

This is a common feeling that people get when they’re in an unsatisfactory relationship. Such people will often try to explain away this feeling with justifications such as, “But she’s perfect. Look at her – she’s gorgeous, and smart, and sweet…” or “He’s exactly what I wanted. He’s stable and understanding, plus, he supports my ambitions and goals…”

It may be true – your partner may be what you wanted. Or what you thought you wanted. But the fact of the matter is – there’s still something missing.

Usually, that missing piece is a quality that is still ineffable because you haven’t yet come to realize it as a quality that you need for a relationship to work for you.

View this absence of that quality in your current relationship as an opportunity to better explore your own relationship needs so that the next time, you’ll know to look for someone who has that certain je ne sais quoi.

You hesitate to share ideas and thoughts that are important to you because you know your partner won’t “get it”

Chemistry is important in the beginning of the relationship – it’s what creates the spark that ignites the beginning of the romance. But to keep the relationship going, compatibility is paramount.

If your partner is not on the same mental, emotional, spiritual realm as you are – to the point where even communication of your innermost thoughts isn’t possible – you’re settling for someone who is physically with you, but otherwise not.

You’re constantly wishing your partner were different

This is a rather natural extension of #3. If you find yourself being unable to connect with your partner and begin to wishfully make mental changes to their personality, your relationship dynamic, or even your partner’s looks and behaviors – you are clearly not satisfied with the partner you’re currently with.

Granted no one is perfect and comparisons may arise from time-to-time, but someone who is truly happy in his or her relationship still wouldn’t trade his or her partner for anyone different. If you would – you’re probably settling.

You wake up next to them in the morning and instead of feeling giddy, you resent them for hogging the blanket

It’s always the little things. But when you’re falling in love, and wearing those rose-colored glasses, you won’t notice or care to notice your partner’s quirks and flaws. Some people manage to overlook these minor irritations in their partner because the positives outweigh the flaws.

If you, however, are getting to the point where you find yourself irritated by your partner’s inability to share the blanket, the noises he makes when eating, her high-pitched laughter – watch out, these seemingly little annoyances can send you deeper into the realm of dissatisfaction with your relationship.

It feels like an effort to be with your partner

You feel like you have to exert effort to go out for a night with your partner and truly enjoy yourself.

Striking up an interesting, absorbing conversation with your partner takes massive energy out of you. “Working on” your relationship and being there for your partner doesn’t come naturally and you have to try hard just to listen and care about what you’re listening to.

If you regularly feel that it takes a concerted effort from you to have a satisfying relationship with your partner, you’re heart is simply not in the relationship you’re currently in.